Unsolicited Advice to Girls with Blue Lips
by missezlovett
Summary: When your mother hits you, do not strike back.  When the boys call asking your cup size, say A, hang up.  When he says you gave him blue balls, say you're welcome. . . . ONESHOT


**Unsolicited Advice to Adolescent Girls with Blue Lips and Teal Hair**

_Based off of the Poem; "Unsolicited Advice to Adolescent Girls with Crooked Teeth and Pink Hair"_  
By Jeanann Verlee

* * *

**When your mother hits you, do not strike back.**

At a very young age, Gwendolyn had to face the truth and deal with the fact that her mother was an out-of-control alcoholic and at any chance she had, she'd drink.

So when she got back from her late night shift at 12:56, dying for a sip of beer, it was no surprise to Gwen that she'd be getting beaten for not washing the dishes, or cleaning her room.

**When the boys call asking your cup size, say A, hang up.**

Picking up the phone, Gwen would expect the call to be for her mother, but instead, she hears the grimy and rough sounds of adolescent boys, shouting and whooping through the other end of the phone.

"Hey baby, what's your cup size?"

Gwen gives little to no thought to her answer, speaking clearly and carefully into the phone and muttering out, "A," then placing the phone back down.

**When he says you gave him blue balls, say you're welcome.**

Dating guys just to feel their arms around you, Gwen would never do anything more than kiss, so when she'd been dumped for about the fifth time, she asks him one simple question…

"Why?" In her softest, monotone voice.

"You gave me blue balls!" He shouts as he walks off, shoulders slumped and hands shoved in his pockets to hide the boner she'd given him with just the slightest brush of the hands.

"You're welcome!" She spits back, flicking him off in the middle of the schoolyard.

**When a girl with thick black curls who smells like bubble gum stops you in a stairwell to ask if you're a boy, explain that you keep your hair short so she won't have anything to grab when you head-butt her.**

When Katie Sanchez stops her in the middle of the stairwell to ask if Gwen is a guy, she takes the time to explain that she likes to keep her hair short so that she has nothing to grab when she head-butts her.

**Then head-butt her.**

And without much ado, Gwen tosses her head forward and crashes her skull with the girl's forehead, leaving Katie with a bump that's sure to last a few months and leaving Gwen with a migraine.

**When a guidance counselor teases you for handed-down jeans, do not turn red.**

When being sent to the counselor's office, Gwen does not expect to be ridiculed, but upon sitting down in front of the blonde, blue-eyed woman, she begins to speak of where Gwen bought her pants, and asking if she owned any others that weren't ripped.

"Perhaps you should buy yourself some new jeans… Or at least sew those up."

"These are my favorite pair." Gwen replies, getting the woman to shut up for the rest of the session…

Or at least for the two minutes it takes for Gwen to leave the office.

**When you have sex for the second time and there is no condom, do not convince yourself that screwing between layers of underwear will soak up the semen.**

Fucking in the backseat of Tyler's car, she fumbles with her top, frantically pulling it off in the heat of the moment.

She comes to a steady halt to listen to the sounds of their breathing, realizing that he has no condom, and thinking whether they should use her undies as a replacement for the rubber…

But then reminds herself that it won't work and returns to his heated kisses, ecstatic to be doing something other than chores.

**When your geometry teacher posts a banner reading: "Learn math or go home and learn how to be a Momma," do not take your first feminist stand by leaving the classroom.**

Mathematics being the only thing Gwen was not good at, she found it extremely offensive when Mr. Hatchet decided to put up a laminated banner on the back of the door that read "Learn math or go home and learn how to be a Momma"

She remembers that without passing the class, she'll be stuck at home with her mother for the rest of her miserable life, and decides to stick to the class, regardless of how sexist her teacher may be.

**When the boy you have a crush on is sent to detention, go home.**

Sitting out on the bleachers, waiting for her bus, Gwen unexpectedly witnesses Trent, her all time crush, beating on Cody, the scum of the earth.

It was the perfect scenario, really. Cody was being a creeper and Trent was sticking up for her.

But fantasies would only take her so far, and when the principal came out of the school and dragged little Trenton away, her fantasies could do nothing to help him…

Her bus arrives.

She goes home.

**When your mother hits you, do not strike back.**

When her mother slices her hand on a broken wine bottle and needs stitches, Gwen is not shocked at the fact that her mother would hit her, bloody hands and all…

For who told Gwen that she was allowed to steal money from the emergency jar for makeup anyways?

**When the boy with the blue mohawk swallows your heart and opens his wrists, hide the knives, bleach the bathtub, pour out the vodka. **

When being romanced for the very first time, Gwen does not expect to have to deal with suicidal thoughts and oh-so-much blood.

So when Duncan steals her heart like he would a choker from HotTopic, she falls head over heels, not bothering to pay any mind to her few friends who say that he's trouble.

Finding him in her bathtub with his wrists sliced open and a bottle of cheap vodka in his hand, however, changes up her mind a bit.

She wonders how she'll get out of this one as she calls for an ambulance and hides all of her sharp knives.

**Every time.**

Around the fourth time this happens, she already has the bleach underneath the bathroom sink, ready to clean up after his mess and pour out the poison in the bottle.

**When the skinhead girls jump you in a bathroom stall, swing, curse, kick, do not turn red.**

Unwanted glares from that girl Gwen used to know in high school lead to getting followed into the public restroom, nails and fists scraping and bruising her pale skin, Gwen doing all she can to get away as Heather conjures up another girl, which she calls Sierra, tearing at Gwen's body and stealing her wallet.

She screams for them to get away from her purse, kicking and swinging, but missing as the girls run off with Gwen's tuition cash, leaving the bruised goth on the dirty bathroom floor.

**When a boy you think you love delivers the first black eye, use a screw driver, a beer bottle, **_**your two good hands.**_

When she gets home to a trashed house and a beating, her eyes can only stare into his pale blue ones, regretting ever buying him that beer at all. Duncan balls his hand up into a fist and in a drunken stupor, gives fragile little Gwen a black eye.

As she lifts herself back up, she grabs an empty bottle from the floor and breaks it over his head.

If he didn't die before, now would be a good time to do so.

**When your father locks the door, break the window.**

When she finds herself with nothing but her book bag and three bucks in her pocket, she has no choice but to go back home.

But when her mother's new boyfriend decides that its best if they disconnect from Gwen completely by locking all of the doors, Gwen grabs the biggest rock she can find and smashes her bedroom window open.

She won't be calling this guy "Daddy" any time soon.

**When a college professor writes you poetry and whispers about your tight little ass, do not take it as a compliment, do not wait, call the Dean**_**, call his wife**_**.**

Finding herself a part time and working the early shifts, Gwen earns enough to get herself her own apartment, and enough to get her back to school.

Receiving love letters and poetry stapled onto the back of her A+ papers, She finds it neither attractive nor charming that they're coming from Mr. McLean.

When he asks her to stay after class and pins her to a wall, placing small kisses on her neck and whispering things about her tight little ass, she finds it mortifying and creepy.

Upon leaving the classroom in a rushed state, her eyes let him know he'll be fired soon.

Down the hall is the Dean's office, where she'll approach him and ask oh-so-kindly for McLean's wife's number.

**When a boy with good manners and a thirst for Budweiser proposes, say no.**

Meeting Geoff at a club seemed like fun, dating him and making love to him, even more so…

And who would have thought that a proper gentleman such as himself would love someone who was so damaged…

Moving in and being taken care of… never needing to worry about going hungry, or being unloved…

Geoff was perfect.

But everyone has baggage, and when Gwen gets home to a raging drunk Geoff, she promises herself that if it ever happens again, she'll leave him.

It doesn't.

But the memory of Geoff on one knee, as they take a stroll down her favorite part of town, still rings fresh in her memory…

And so does his devastated face when Gwen replies "No."

**When your mother hits you, do not strike back.**

Popping back up into her mother's life after three years of lost communication is rude enough as it is when Gwen finds herself out on the street again, but to ask for cash drives her mother over the edge and sends the woman into a frenzy, letting Gwen know that she hasn't changed, and neither has the pain.

**When the boys tell you how good you smell, do not doubt them, do not turn red.**

Gwen finds herself in the grubbiest club in town, bartending late at night while everyone is drunk.

Funny how she ends up in working near the one thing that's made her life a living hell.

Men are constantly calling her forward to ask for drinks, intoxicating themselves and muttering how good she smells, even though she's been moving all night and she's forgotten to wear deodorant.

**When your brother tells you he is gay, pretend you already know.**

Arriving late at night, Gwen shuffles her way into her room, surprised to find her younger brother lying on her bed, tears rolling down his face.

"Gwen. I'm gay…" He mumbles, looking so confused.

And even though this could quite possibly be the last thing she'd be expecting, she wraps a comforting arm around her brother and mumbles back, "I know.. I don't care, and neither will mom."

A kiss on his forehead is all that's necessary to send him back to bed.

**When the girl on the subway curses you because your T-shirt reads: "I fucked your boyfriend," assure her that it is not true. **

"You fucked my boyfriend? What the fuck, who the hell do you think you are? Goth whore!" The blonde shouts from across the empty subway train.

Gwen cracks a smile for the first time in ages and shakes her head.

The blonde in the blue bandana works at the same club as her.

"Don't worry… It's not true.

The girl gives Gwen a ditzy drunk grin, "I know, I was just kidding… I'm a lesbian."

**When your dog pees the rug, kiss her, apologize for being late.**

Walking through the door and stepping on dog piss would make anyone angry, but Gwen just takes a deep breath and walks over to the large Husky, running a hand over her shameful face and crouching down to give Hope kisses, whispering that she is sorry for not getting home earlier to let her out.

Gwen cleans it up, thinking of installing a doggie door.

**When he refuses to stay the night because you live in Jersey City, do not move.**

"Where are you living now?" He asks, still being able to make her melt even after what seems like ages. His green eyes bore into hers, but as she replies "Jersey," He's already eyeing his watch, and once they're up in her room, the bliss can only last so long.

It's 3:42 when Trent rises from her bed, obviously exhausted, but still looking for his clothes.

"You can stay if you want, I don't mind." Gwen manages, lifting her heavy head from her pillow.

"No, no.. It's fine. I'm not really a big fan of Jersey anyways. See you." He says, walking out the door.

"Dick."

**When he refuses to stay the night because you live in Harlem, do not move.  
**

After hours of deep, meaningless, conversations with the intellectual man with the broad nose, Gwen invites him to her place, and it doesn't take long for her to slide out of her clothes. Hours of pounding and moaning make Gwen wonder where he gets such stamina…

He _is_ pretty lanky.

It's barely 2:00 and she's half asleep, eyes still trailing around his tan figure, but not really registering or caring what he's doing.

Already, Noah's headed out the door, whispering to himself about never fucking a Harlem girl again.

Ass face.

**When he refuses to stay the night because your air conditioner is broken, leave him.  
**

When she finally lures up Alejandro into her shitty apartment and apologizes for the broken air conditioner, she regrets ever saying anything. What could have been the best fuck of her life ends up being the best quickie of her life…

But no matter…

He's not worth it anyways.

Douche bag.

**When he refuses to keep a toothbrush at your apartment, leave him.**

After what feels like the tenth time, Gwen feels the need to tell DJ that he can leave some of his crap in her closet… maybe just his toothbrush.

He shakes his head, "Nooo way," and kisses Gwen good night… or in this case, good morning, and leaves.

He won't be hearing from her again.

Prick.

**When you find the toothbrush you keep at his apartment hidden in the closet, leave him.**

Finally, in what seems to be a comfortable state, Gwen wonders if she can keep up whatever it is that she and Cody are doing…

But when searching in his closet for her bra which had been lost earlier that same evening, Gwen comes across her toothbrush.

Hidden in his closet, huh?

That's just perfect.

"What is it, babe?" He asks in his soft tone, brushing his brown hair from his stubbly face.

"Don't call me that. We're through." She says, leaving her bra for some other unlucky girl to stumble across.**  
**

_**Do not regret this.  
**_

She won't.

_**Do not turn red.  
**_

She doesn't.

**When your mother hits you, **_**do not strike back**_

When arriving on the front steps of that very familiar porch, she no longer expects a beating, for her mother is now old, and poor…

So walking in with all of the confidence she can muster, Gwen finds her mother on the couch, watching Oprah.

She takes a seat beside her, placing a soft kiss on her cheek and her mother playfully slaps at the side of her head.

And for a moment…

Everything is fine.


End file.
